#i feel so distant from everything
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sometimes the hardest thing is just realizing you are enough. i don’t know if i am, but i will keep telling myself I am until I believe it. I am enough.
#🕳️.vent#i feel so distant from everything#i grew up being obsessed with aliens#it was recently that i realized it was because that’s how i felt. like an alien.#my whole life my autism and whatnot has made me alienated from everyone and everything. it’s hard to not still feel that way.#both for my flesh and blood partner and my f/os#especially Francine#i just feel not enough and I don’t know if I ever will fee enough#but maybe I can pretend#maybe I’ve pretended for this long and I should just keep at it#idk#I’m sorry guys
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favourite thing: his new habit of saying uhuh/mhm and also this










#the first time he did it in unmortricken i was like Fuck Yes and little did i know he would just keep doing it the whole time#DESPERATELY hoping they keep both of these things. i Love when characters have tiny little habits sprinkled in their actions#to me these things kinda sorta symbolise him no longer being afraid to really be himself#like he no longer has to hide certain things about himself that inside of the cfc wouldve made him appear ‘suspicious’#since he IS like so much different than any other morty ever#also barely related but like. em is fundamentally such a good character bc everytime we see him he’s feeling something different#in his first appearance he was cold and distant because at the time he was new to being free and was strictly focused on his goal and wasn’#even sure if it would work#in his second appearance he seemed hopeful and honest both of these things just being a trap to get the people of the citadel to trust him#and his old colder self unfurling near the end after he successfully becomes president#in his third appearance he seems giddy almost. he’s constantly giggling before and after sentences and he’s super eager to just Get The Hel#Out. and also to reveal the truth to morty prime. make it so that he doesn’t have to be the one to shoulder everything anymore.#and this fourth appearance. apart from a few little details he really just seems happy and comfortable. the entire episode he was just doin#whatever he wanted and nobody got in his way at all. and i could not be happier#normal about this character!#rick and morty#evil morty#rick and morty spoilers#odiespeak
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The way that the only prayer we actually hear Lawrence pray in the whole movie--every other time, it cuts away, or he is silent, because (as he says) he has been struggling with prayer, with doubt--is: "May God grant us a pope who doubts. May God grant us a pope who sins, who asks forgiveness, and who carries on."
He is able to pray when he "speaks from the heart for a moment." It is his genuine desire, and even though he doubts, he asks anyway. It is a prayer of faith.
And it is answered.
#conclave#thomas lawrence#meta#christianity#it is actually everything to me#they did such a good job representing a struggle with faith and with prayer while still believing#and i love that they didn't revel in his struggle. we don't see him stumbling through an attempted prayer and giving up#we don't see him even question (at least explicitly) that God is listening#he is just unable to pray. he feels distant from God and they represent that distance so well. in the silence#he is almost sequestered from God#but in that silence‚ you can hear the still small voice#in the birdsong and the breeze through the window. the sunbeam catching the dust and making beauty from destruction#in a turtle in the courtyard#and you know that He is with you even so.#kay has a party in the tags#my meta posts#kay can i just catch my breath for a second
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landing
#i'd recommend zooming in bc the changes between panels are pretty subtle. they'll be easier to see on the cropped versions but i wanted to#include the whole thing too because i think it looks nice like that :)#opening up to yukina as the final hopeful yet unresolved part of hiei's arc of learning to trust and love and be loved by others is like.#aughh. fascinating choice anyway here's a take on how it'd go. from me. a sap#smth smth hiei letting his vulnerability show via the thing that unites them (bloodline via the hiruseki stone) which is inherently tied#to emotion and letting his feelings about her and his past show to someone. grahh#yyh#yu yu hakusho#yukina#hiei#skrunkart#also due to the title and the organization of this comic one could call this a landing strip#anyway um. posting more yyh but this time it's not funny at all oops. glad y'all liked the other one though jksdjfkjs#anyway yukina's important you should talk about her more#would also like to point out how in the final panel hiei doesn't actually touch her with his other arm. it's just resting on his hand#enclosing her but still kinda distant. he's still got some healing to do#edit argh i uploaded a slightly wrong version. fixed now. it just didn't have yukina's crying onomotopoeia#but i wanted them back in bc sound is so important to this one#WAIT PANELS SWAPPED. FIXED FR NOW#ANYWAY HIEI MY BELOVED MY EVERYTHING. LOVE THAT LITTLE GUY#also shoutout to devoted sibling characters. they really get it
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#haven’t logged on here in over a month#i feel so distant from this blog from my writing from this fandom from everything#i don’t know just a strange feeling#i wonder how long this will last and i wonder if anyone even misses me here at all…#may delete later? who knows#🧸 — nat speaks
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You can pry girl dad Mark Winters out of my cold dead hands.
#Okay hear me out he was one and he would be still if whatever happened to mama winters didn’t happen they were a super close family he was a#girl dad and then tragedy. And things were difficult for him and then obviously he became a villain. So he and Ashe are more distant now an#their relationship is more strained but at the end of the day he loves Ashe so much and would do anything for her as long as she got to be#safe and happy. He’s a villain but he’s letting her hang out with the prime defenders because he knows they’re good for her! He became a#villain so he’d be able to support her. He loves her so much and he has an odd way of showing it but I’ve seen just how much this character#loves his child so much despite it all he’s not perfect no one is but he does everything he does so Ashe will be safe and secure and once a#girl dad always a girl dad he loves his trans daughter very much and he’s always supported her and he’s still a girl dad no matter what#I just have so many feelings about Mark Wavelength#I take back the thing I said about them saving bino instead of wavelength back I take it back so hard oh my god#jrwi#jrwi prime defenders#mark winters#wavelength#I JUST READ A FIC AND HE WAS SUCH A SHITTY DAD IN IT HES NOT HES A GIRL DAD WHO LOVES HIS DAUGHTER SO MUCH#I’m a Mark Winters defender and will always be one from now on#Mark wavelength I’m only on episode fifteen don’t do something heinous that makes me eat my words please I believe in you
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unhinged calix / viorel yapping commences..

#[ section ] ★ calix !#where do i begin with him 💔 genuinely has the absolute WORST time ever hes looking like Y/N or smth#except he wasnt sold to one direction he got sold to the fucking cryo archon 😭 pierro’s ass was just like ‘hey kid wanna join the fatui 😊’#calix is the youngest of four children.. (mostly) infinitely spoiled and his mothers undeniable favorite 😞#the personality switch from pre to post abyss journey is so visible 😪 pre-abyss calix was all adventurous and world curious and naive#just like every child is ofc! he was excited abt everything even if it was shoveling snow w his dad or running errands w his sisters#when he’s 13 he meets pierro 😕 first time he’s let out alone and he meets the man who is inadvertently going to ruin his life#his father was apart of the military and he would always beg him to tell stories of his “adventures” bc to him it was so exciting#he’s 13 and wide eyed but not a complete idiot so when pierro offers to train him he makes up an excuse and runs away#so pierro’s grown ass decides to just terrorize him as a recruitment tactic but calix is literally not budging at all 😭#he actually believes the guy is crazy#so instead of trying to get through to him in a typical kind-manipulative way pierro pulls out an old trick and throws calix into the abyss#unprovoked and without him knowing and little calix who has no battle experience at all stuck in the abyss for an ENTIRE MONTH#he’s 14 and clueless and alone and trapped and cold and has to scavenge on his own which obviously causes sm trauma 💔#but one month didnt actually pass in teyvat so to everyone else he just disappeared for one day and reappeared traumatized out of his mind#and also with a personality change#he isnt immediately super violent but he is visibly closed off and distant#his parents just see it as typical teen angst and his father has to take an extended leave for work#at which point he just gets worse#the once rather cheerful boy who appeared so bright to the world was now experiencing uncontrollable fits of anger#he was reckless and quick to solve any issue with his fists.. suddenly it was like he could not do anything without a growing temper rising#by that point his attitude towards pierro had changed for the worst :( what was formerly annoyance became fear#and since he was 10x more vulnerable pierro basically decided to make a completely unfair bargain with him#pierro is all like ‘your father was in the military wasnt he? join the fatui and you can be just like him!!!’#‘or i’ll make sure you guys go hungry this winter 😊’#(he doesn’t actually say that but he heavily implies it and calix is absolutely terrified)#he feels like he has to listen to everything he says because if not his mother and sisters are at risk 😞#without his dad around he feels its his responsibility to take care of them 💔#so with that little 16 year old calix is recruited into the fatui! dawning the given code name “sage” (from pierro)#and while its terrible 😣 while he hates it and still despises pierro he basically becomes the tsaritsa’s weapon of destruction
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2025 reads / storygraph
We Were Restless Things
YA fantasy/paranormal
set in a small town where a boy drowned in the woods last summer - miles from any lakes or rivers
only his friend knows the truth, that he drowned in a magical lake that only appeared for them. and now she’s started getting strange texts from an unknown number claiming to be his spirit
meanwhile a new boy who’s moved in with her can’t help but be drawn into the mystery, as well as the boy who died’s sister
slow-paced and character focused
#We Were Restless Things#aroaessidhe 2025 reads#asexual books#I read this bc one MC is ace and like. it’s explored a lot (honestly more than the spooky stuff) but I felt a bit weird about it#she’s.. a very manic pixie dream girl type character and is pretty self hating about her asexuality which is FINE#but it really felt like the narrative was mostly exploring it though the awful romance with the other MC#it is actually very conceptually interesting to have a MPDG-type character who is ace and uninterested in the perception of desire#that people have of her…it just feels like that’s not actually explored head on#like we’re told about her feelings but not shown? her POV is very emotionally distant and I didn’t feel like I got what I wanted from her a#truly feels like she didn’t like him at all even when she talked about liking/loving him. told but not shown.#everything we’re actually SHOWN she reads as so aromantic to me im sorry lmao#and also it kinda more focuses on her supposedly loving him and sex neutrality but THERE’S NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION#we’re just told there is and he’s kinda obsessed with her. no to be a hashtag manhater but man. didn’t like him#some of the ace stuff talked about; and also the fact that they attempted sex then gave up bc it wasn’t working for her;#think are actually interesting things to explore! it just didn’t work for me because it was between two characters with no connection#also. they’re stepsiblings. they just met… but just. everything about the relationship was so weird and uncomfortable?#if they broke up and it was like. not a romance that implied they might stay together I might feel better about the story arc#but it was a little overshadowed by the narrative implying their relationship is a good thing idk#that relationship vs the sapphic one which we only get the briefest snippets of#where it actually feels like they have a two sided romantic connection? and like each other? big difference.#anyway that’s the main thing I have opinions about sorry. the spooky lake forest guy was kinda cool but like barely there. only at the end
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Something about people making fun of Kabru's blue eyes feels very much like they're missing the entire point of his character...
#kabru#kabru of utaya#kabru dungeon meshi#kabru dunmeshi#like... that's the point#his blue eyes are a big deal to him#he feels like a monster because of them#he's an outcast over something that he had no control over#nor his parents... or anything#he's different he has always been different and that makes everything feel all the more distant#i wouldn't be surprised if the reason why he feels often detached from things is due to how he was treated#so seeing the fandom point out and even make fun of him over his eye color just feels like that's the whole point
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vent//
#cw injury#delete later#typing this up before i head to the hospital lol#i got pretty injured yesterday in a way that affects my mobility quite a bit#i'm in a lot of pain and the timing of it is just :(((( i had planned to travel next week and#took time off for the first time i started working and now i don't know if i'll be able to 😭 i can barely cross the room w crutches#i think i don't really know how to seek comfort? when i got injured in the first place these people (strangers) like kept me company for#a bit but they mostly talked among themselves and it was really kind of them 😭 but i felt so distant. and even in the moment i felt like i#was failing them for not being able to engage in the conversation properly#i don't think i really know how to ask for help or how to ask for comfort#i don't know how to bring it up with my friends without like joking about it because 😭 they are my friends and they have their own lives#idk. i feel like i'm so detached from everything right now#i want someone to give me a hug and tell me that i've been doing well 😭 and i#want someone to do mundane things with me to take my mind off the pain#but how do you ask for that :')#i don't know so i am airing it anonymously on my kink blog
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"Maybe it'll be another Cars on The Road. I actually really enjoyed Cars on The Road despite being super worked up and anxious over that.
-Though I suppose one thing about Cars on The Road was that while it did involve characters that I loved it wasn't like I was being threatened with the comeback of Finn or Axlerod! That would've- would've-.. why am i comparing him t-"
#very loud distant noise of my head hitting my computer keyboard.#Forced to explore and realize and come to terms with my feelings but at what cost.#r.r.ight. but i dont. its not. im. whyd i find out that the kickstarter got completed via someone on MCParks huh.#I had the server muted because. things were being said about character so i moved away from it for a moment.#And apperently someone else in the server shared the info with me cause of. my character skin and user.#Is M//oshi M//onsters really about to become millionares from a kickstarter.#every feeling on the spectrum of human feelings was contained in this post. And perhaps some feelings not on the human spectrum.#I know like nobody know what im talking about here but man oh man.#This blog is either going to here everything or nothing and that is why i either havent posted for several days or post several times in on#it feels like one of those really bad events on News where you feel like you just gotta stay up to date-#-so you dont go mad but simotaneously staying up to date is also making you go mad.#Cause ironically both still lead to a land of uncertainity for what might happen. just whether you know additional-#-pieces or not.#It's like playing chess and occasionally i get to learn how one of my pieces work and that's it
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i think the reason i find jason so interesting is because the lore surrounding him is so interesting but he comes across so straightlaced which suggests to me that he does this on purpose. he forces himself into this persona of perfection and "conceal don't feel" and it fascinates me. like there's the whole thing where there are expectations for jason, as the son of jupiter and juno's champion, add to that the fact that it is implied that the romans have far less contact with the gods and especially major gods than even the greeks, and that up until very recently, jason was the only child of the big three *chef's kiss* then when you think about the emphasis on hierarchy and obedience in the roman camp and jupiter being more associated with aspects of governance than zeus, and imagine feral 'i was raised by wolves' toddler!jason being molded to fit in and groomed to lead. and consider the history of the children of jupiter, and jupiter's own history with patricide, and his father's history with patricide, and how jason is already under scrutiny for the circumstances he was born under, an oath sworn on the Styx being broken by the god of oaths who was the only one to break it on the roman side, so jason must be under a lot of pressure. he can't mess up, he doesn't get that luxury. not only does he have to be perfect, he also has to be obedient and subservient to the gods, but also a great leader to his people, and also be as inoffensive and unobtrusive as possible, but also mediocrity is not an option and he has to stand out and be tuly great but also not too great and become a threat to the gods. he is so fascinating
#jason grace#jason grace posting#i'm obsessed#the roman camp presents so many opportunities that just weren't capitalized on#partially because i feel like rick didn't really delve into how the romans treated their religion#and how it differed from the greeks#the myths and stories themselves are nearly equivalent#but their context in everyday life were so different#rick really just wrote them as the greeks but more distant from the gods and more warlike but also worse at war ???#the roman empire lasted a whole lot longer than the greeks did#and were the direct successors to the hellenic kingdoms#they took everything the greeks did and honed and perfected it#along the way absorbing stuff from everyone around them#from culture to religion#but also where greek heroes were demi gods who completed supernatural and mythical tasks#roman heroes tended to not necessarily be demigods and their heroic deeds had more to do with civic duty
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thinking about cinderlion kits and how hollytufts reaction to flywhisker and snaptooth leaving to become kittypets was to aggressively call them traitors
#i speaku#rotating these six guys in my brain#i know i said i wish cinderlion had way smaller litters and i still feel the same way now but i can still think about them#w a dynamic of having drifted apart due to the shit theyve been going thru as well as the distance bet the two litters bc of age and stuff#nd spotfur feeling so ostracized from her fam bc of 'gestures at everything'#im ngl the first lotter really genuinely are kinda just there 😭#litter*#i wonder if you couldbe just made them be one singular cat and it wouldve worked better#thats an interesting dynamic i think... a one kitten litter being excited over the prospect of having siblings when cinder n lion announce#the news and getting devastated when two of the second litter decide to leave#maybe they n spotfur couldve beeb close once but the hypothetical only child just xouldnt get rid of those feelings of betrayal and anger#that their sibs left just grew very distant bc of that#i like sibling dynamics have i mentioned that yet
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#everything feels so fake right now i don’t know what to make of it#maybe it’s just a natural consequence of being back at home for this long but still#ramblings#i feel so distant from my friends rn they’re almost all still studying for step so they’ve understandably been very distant#but somehow it just feels weird#like. idk how to explain it but it feels like second year never happened#it feels like it’s still the summer break after m1#it doesn’t feel like I’ve been in school for almost two years now#maybe it’s also bc ive still yet to come to terms with the fact that im about to start rotations#idk man i feel so confused right now my brain and body are so disconnected
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it's been a week since i made the decision to move and i swear i've lost the ability to think or care about anything else. this is torture. i just want to lose myself in my little fictional worlds and resulting thought spirals but noooo we have to be thinking about The List
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Somebody interacting with and reblogging your self ship art is the greatest joy known to man
#I never posted any when i was 12 or so because i had an extremely toxic person in my life who would make fun of me for everything#And control what i did#So i kept it all to myself IN SECRET for over 2 years#And then after that for a multitude of reasons i became so closed off and dissociated from myself I couldnt access the parts of myself#That wanted to draw and post selfship. I was also too distant from myself to understand what the ''self'' part was#But here i am almost 24 years old. Spent tbe last 4 years working through trauma#At a point where i see my own self expression as something holy#And im like you need to look at this picture of me and star trek's captain kirk right now.#In theory. Because im still struggling a lot with the artistic process#I got boiled down to my core the last few years and had a major psychological breakdown bc it was time to feel the trauma#And i felt so lost and Ive been trying to piece together what love is and what having fun is#Because in earnest i couldnt remember anymore.#And ive made a lot of progress (Lots of moments where im like woag i feel like myself for thre first time in a decade)#But it's still really hard and there are still lots of things i struggle with#I can try and work on a drawing but 3 different traumas will come to the surface because making art tends to trigger 3 different things#So it's really hard to finish things 😅😅😅 BUT I WANT TO#BECAUSE I NEED YOU TO SEE THE PICTURES OF ME AND CAPTAIN KIRK.#BECAUSE HES MY FUCKING POOKIE ?!?!#When somebody hits reblog im like........ REAL?#Im like ITS REAL ? But also yeah it mskes me feel real#I kept selfship to myself for years and yeah i didnt feel real
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